"thank you"

november 12, 2023

my mom called me during pilates. i couldn't read her name as it flashed across my apple watch, due to the sweat dripping into my eyes from the position i was in: my head hung upside down while i tightened my core to move the giant foam carriage towards and away from me, pike to plank.

the ring of my phone interrupted the voice of my instructor, and i gripped the foam handles tightly as i awkwardly dismounted from the position i was in to grab my phone off the floor and flip the ringer switch to silent, swiping the call notification away with my sweaty fingertip.

after class was over, i walked to my favorite coffee shop downtown. it was my regular routine when i had time before work: pilates and a latte. pillatte.

i found a seat near the window and sat down with my coffee. i checked my phone, annoyed that my screen had a sweat stain on it. my mom had texted me during the class, asking where i was going and kindly letting me know i forgot to lock the front door. even though she was halfway across the world, she knew this from the app my family shared that allowed us to control the lock via bluetooth. this was useful, as my family is spread out in all corners of the world - chicago, arizona, and japan.

my initial response was to reply "ok, sorry."

except i didn't actually mean it, i wasn't apologetic. i meant it in more of a "i'm sorry that i'm so annoyed because you're constantly texting me and trying to see where i am" kind of way. plus, my mom had Find my iPhone installed, couldn't she just see my location if she was curious?

but before i hit send, the sound of a little girl giggling caused me to look up from my phone screen. to my right, a small toddler had appeared, smiling up at me with that blank - but - happy stare that babies reserve for complete strangers. i smiled back and immediately looked up from her toothless smile to glance around the shop to see if i could find her mother.

her mother materialized out of the blue and immediately scooped her daughter up in her arms, smiling at me apologetically.

"sorry about that, she just learned how to walk. i really don't want her to be a leash kid, but i swear to god i'm this close to getting her one of those backpacks." the mom said, half directed towards me, half directed teasingly to her daughter who couldn't understand.

"no worries at all, i get what you mean. plus, it's not like she could get far in this shop anyway" i said reassuringly.

"yeah, for now. but soon she'll be able to wander even faster and quieter." she said, the suggestion of a frown forming on her face.

sensing her mild concern and the shift in tone, i tried to respond more positively.

"haha, well you don't have to worry about that for a couple more years hopefully."

"well, the worrying started before she was even born" the lady said, looking down at her daughter with a strained smile.

"have a good rest of your day" i said as the lady turned to smile at me, walking away and gently reprimanding her daughter for leaving her side.

the conversation was harmless, but it left a surprising sting of tears in my eyes. i looked down to my phone screen for the second time that morning with blurry, water-logged eyes and saw the text i had drafted to my mom sitting in my phone screen.

"ok, sorry."

was that the best i could do for a woman who had began worrying about me, caring about me, and loving me while i only existed within her?

seeing this mother worry about her daughter, who could wander no less than 70 ft away from her, made me realize how my mother must feel, with her own daughter 7,000 miles away. this early morning for me was a late night for her, meaning the last thing she did before she went to sleep was check her phone to make sure i was safe. how lucky am i to have someone who's love and consideration exceeds physical distance and time.

 why is it so natural for me to automatically see the worst in her intentions but assume the best of myself? sure, our relationship has never been perfect, but then again, what is perfection? is love not vulnerability? vulnerability means imperfection, which requires empathy to remedy. and isn't empathy based on the ability to reach through someone's imperfections and to understand their intentions? is love not empathy?

before i hit send on the text, i held my finger down over the left arrow key to erase and try again.

"i went to pilates, thanks for checking and locking the door for me, mom. love you"

"you're welcome :) love you too."