chur

february 3, 2025

this feels like the silliest thing in the world to journal about, but it’s important to me so i’ll do it. 

we’re finally getting rid of the CHR after having it for about four years. i know it’s just a car and ultimately, bound to be replaced at one point or another. i honestly don’t even think getting rid of a car, or buying a new car is inherently a big deal for like 99% of the population.

but, evidently, it’s been making me pretty sad, or at least brought up an unanticipated range of feelings.

it was the first car that i ever really “had”, even though it was a not-owned lease, shared between me and my sister. 

but damn so many memories and miles in this car.

the first winter break i came home from college with my license, i finally felt like i caught up with everyone else. my parents refused to buy me a car all throughout high school/college and were strict about whether i could drive their cars or not, so i never really felt pushed to get a license. but, at 18, with a crisp license and set of keys, my time was suddenly my time. no more waiting on parents or other people, or depending on other people’s schedules. i could see whoever i wanted, whenever i wanted*, and could play my own music while i did. in some ways, this was me getting “first time cool” syndrome probably and healing the high school me who was so embarrassed to always be getting dropped off or picked up by my parents.

and then of course, the pandemic. moving out of my dorm and back to my childhood bedroom, while having six people in the house constantly was a new experience. there wasn’t much we could do outside of the house, but a car offered us a way to get around and at least do something. even driving on the road with no destination felt like a luxury. 

there were so many (masked up) grocery drives, takeout and boba pickups, and seemingly random “errands” we could come up with, just to give us a sense of achievement for the day.

but then after the pandemic, i got to take the car to college, after much debating with my family about the necessity for one. between living off campus, my part time job at a law firm, and dance rehearsals 3x a week, my parents finally caved and allowed me to take the car to college. and holy shit, was it so fucking fun. i was so happy. 

i could finally be a designated driver for friends and repay many late nights of me laying sprawled across the laps of my three other friends in the backseat, tipsy and screaming music in the car at (blank)am. i could drive myself or friends to coffee shops to study. i could finally be a proper upper classmen and modern director, and give freshman and sophomores rides to rehearsals and workshops. 

that car was pivotal to some of huge milestones in life. into my first college apartment, subsequently out of my that apartment, and then into what felt like my first real “adult” apartment when i moved to austin. 

one of the most important but subtle ways i felt the impact of the car was through the ability to see my loved ones. or even the gift of spending time with them.

sighing in relief with my sister as we sank into the seats after a pilates workout, thinking about what food or sweet treat we would reward ourselves with. driving to half price books, tjmaxx, or a coffee shop just to feel something. sometimes the music couldn't even be discerned over our chatting, other times a "wait i think you'll love this song" enough to keep us quiet for the duration of the track.

or in austin, with my brother only a one hour drive away in san antonio, my best friends a two hour drive in houston, and the people that felt like home a three and a half (three if i was speeding) hour drive away, i was able to stay connected and grounded to my people while gaining my own independence. 

driving in for big milestones like birthdays, graduations, dance performances, holidays, and “just because” visits was so fun. i can’t count the amount of times i drove, blasting and shuffling through different playlists on the road or calling loved ones to pass the time, so excited by the prospect of the destination that the journey was an afterthought. three hours flew by when i knew that my parents, siblings, dog, and comforts of familiar restaurants, cafes, and safe spaces were waiting at the end of the trip. 

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but then, the long drives took a different turn. 

after going through my breakup and having literally everything about life flipped, the car became an entirely different mode of transportation for me. where before, i actively looked forward to my new destinations that i chose and planned with intention, the car became the vehicle of escape for me. 

in austin, having little to no friends or family i could rely on, i drove myself to the target on research blvd alone all the fucking time. i can literally picture the exact layout in my head as i’m typing, the spot i would usually park in. to this day, i don’t know why i picked target. if i had to guess, it just had the largest range of items i could use to distract myself, therefore maximizing the amount of time i could spend aimlessly walking. i would wander the aisles for hours, literally just to be out of the shared apartment and into a space with bright lights and other people. that target self check out camera had seen me at my worst -- no makeup, unwashed hair, buying bottles of menage a tois wine and skinny pop for the third weeknight in a row. breakfast of champions.

but sometimes the anxious thoughts would get bad really late at night.when the people that were a phone call away were probably on do not disturb, and the open stores were probably not safe to wander around alone. so naturally,  i would spend countless amounts of time driving through the city alone at night. sometimes listening to sad music, other nights in complete silence, other nights at the mcdonalds drive through for some fries and a mcflurry that i either wasn’t going to eat, couldn’t eat, or would end up being  my first meal of the day. 

for the first few months, i couldn’t cry. no matter how hard i tried -- this is new for someone like me, who literally used to cry all the time despite my aversion to my own cryinh. 

then one night, after driving back home from austin, i couldn’t sleep at 5am. i had stayed up the entire night, the sky subtly emerging through my blinds and onto my walls. my parents didn’t know how bad i was suffering. they were preparing to move to japan in less than a week, and i didn’t want to stress them out. i quietly slipped out and drove to the only place i knew would be open -- the donut shop right next to my high school. i stepped in to grab a donut, drove to the back parking lot of the school, and sat alone as i watched the sky lighten. and then i finally lost it at that moment. i fucking broke. i couldn’t believe how much my life had dissolved in front of me in a matter of months. everything i had worked so hard for, all the sacrifices i had made. it literally felt like a joke. i felt like a failure. i blamed myself. i blamed them. i blamed the world. 

that summer after my parents had moved, was the loneliest i had ever been in my entire life. it was so lonely that i couldn’t even admit it to myself at the time, afraid that if i actually said the words out loud, it would make it real. instead, i constantly avoided and deflected, depriving myself of the opportunity to actually explore what those feelings could mean. instead,  i drove from dallas, to austin, to houston, to dallas, college station, to anywhere where i could feel slightly less alone or distracted. i visited whoever would take me. 

there were times where i slept on the floor or carpet of other people’s places, just to not have to sleep alone. 

i played it off during this time, made jokes about always being in the car and “loving” driving, but in reality, i was just so depressed and in need of an escape. driving meant not having to sit in my room in the apartment and feel like the walls were literally closing in on me. 

there was the time i was driving to college station, on no sleep, chugging my second cold brew of the drive, that i had a panic attack so bad that my hands and arms went numb and i couldn’t see properly. not only did i have to pull over on the side of the empty highway to breathe manually for twenty minutes, i had to try to console myself with the fact that there was absolutely no one in the world i could reach out to who could easily access me and help me. i literally had to keep driving. and that was one of the loneliest feelings in the world. 

but the most humiliating, humbling, moment  was the time i literally slept in the car because i had nowhere else to go i had just driven back from dallas after a traumatic event with someone who tried to take advantage of me. i arrived back at my apartment, exhausted, depleted of any energy to keep going, to find out that  my ex’s mom surprised me by staying in my room. my ex didn’t bother to offer their room, so the only other option where i could lay and be numb after being ******* ******** by someone i trusted was my living room couch. so i chose the car. 

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that was the worst of it, but there were also some things that are so special to me: all of the hours i spent on the phone with allen, his voice simultaneously calming and refreshing through the car speakers, as we developed the habit of calling on these drives. when we first started talking, those hours in the car flew by as i heard him share anecdotes of his childhood and life, as he answered all of my random questions i would spring on him. 

he would eventually fly to plano, where i used that car to pick him up from the airport, where we would pick up take out comfort food to bring home, go on trader joe’s runs, or curb our late night sweet treat cravings. 

there was also the time that me and my sister drove to austin at the start of 2024, with my parents in the rav4, to help me finally (once and for all) move all of my belongings out of the apartment and start over. a day trip on january 1st. my family, who i’m sure was very tired from the weeklong celebrations of christmas and new years, driving seven hours round trip with me to help me grab the last of my belongings and leave 6081 forever. 

there was a lot. 

i love you chr, thanks for the memories and for getting me to all these places i loved or to see all these people i love. thanks for being such a safe and reliable space for me, weirdly enough. thanks for getting me through some of the hardest shit. <3