lay off

recently, i found out that a friend of a friend got laid off by the same company that i did, almost exactly a year ago. 

after telling me the news in passing, my friend asked 

“how was like that for you? we never really talked about it” 

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and honestly, i didn’t even really know where to begin. i realized that this was one of those things i went through that was so painful, that once i made it through, i never looked back.

to me, it felt worse than the rug being pulled out from under me. it almost felt like nothing at all, numb while sitting in a zoom call and dissociating as the details of my severance package were being laid out (ha) for me. 

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“you’re lucky you got severance” 

“free vacation” 

what people didn’t understand was how anxious i had been about having a job in the first place. before i say this, i would like to acknowledge my middle class privilege. i am in no way invalidating the very real struggles of those who were dealt a worse hand, or exaggerating for pity 

but everything in my life has always felt like a struggle. every win has been made possible by the hours of mental anguish i spent wanting, hoping, dreaming, or resenting those who already had succeeded. the salt of my sweat or my own tears had always tainted any victory, leaving with it a bittersweet taste. 

being the first child in my family to enter the corporate world was scary. i felt so underprepared and behind, comparing myself to people who seemed to have a wealth of connections or industry knowledge. maybe the reason i hold my federal reserve internship so tightly and proudly is because it was one opportunity out of the literal, one hundred and twenty internships i applied to for that summer, and saved me from the void of “so what now?” immediately after graduating. the time when all of my friends were either traveling all of europe before starting the jobs they had lined up, or starting their careers and effectively, their adult lives. 

the job at dell also felt like a stroke of luck. it was also an opportunity i achieved fully on my own, with no referrals or connections. in fact, i found out within my first few weeks of working there, that a majority of my cohort had previously interned there during college. it was considered rare to have no histroy with dell and enter this program 

the impostor syndrome of having no previous relationship with dell or a financial background was heavy, but this financial development program was exactly what i had needed to calm my anxious mind. as a liberal arts major, i soon realized how competitive the job market really was, demanding experience and knowledge from me that i simply lacked. with little to no direction or what i considered “hard skills”, i was eager to learn and develop professionally. 

but of course, somewhere between being broken up with on my 22nd birthday -- only two months after signing our lease and moving to start my new job -- i shifted from eager to learn (going into the office 4 days a week, volunteering on committees and ERGs, working overtime)- to just trying to survive. 

i explained my situation to my program directors who graciously allowed me to work remotely for the rest of the year, beginning in the fall of 2023 when i could no longer stand living in the same apartment, or driving six hours every weekend to retreat back to my parent’s house in plano. 

but when we were expected to come back at the beginning of 2024, i couldn’t. 

i had already given up my apartment, but more importantly, there was nothing left for me in austin. no real friends or community.  even an ex-friend accusing me of being “transphobic”  to strangers, or that person’s significant other  attempting to pimp me out to their single friends without my knowledge or heads up.. which is, need i say, weird and creepy as fuck. even more fucked up when these two “friends” had hardly checked in on me every during the duration of the break up, one of them even telling me “you look really bad” as i stepped out of the bathroom during a crying session. but i digress :p

i blamed myself for so long when i found out i had been laid off. 

maybe if i had just been better

maybe if i wasn’t so depressed

but the reality is that, as my therapist told me, i did the best with what i could at that moment. 

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when i exited the zoom room and saw my blank teams calendar staring back at me, it didn’t just feel like the rug had been pulled. the rug had been pulled, revealing a dark chasm in the ground. in that pit lay fear, anxiety, dread, and all of the insecurity i had about my career and future, that i had tried to conceal under that rug. 

it wasn’t just that i didn’t have a job. it was that i felt like i would never get one again, with my scattered resume, full of empty sentences and unimpressive statistics. the prospects were slim, and imagining having to sell myself in interview after interview (if i even made it that far, or past the ghosting stage) felt impossible. 

the worst part is, i couldn’t rest or enjoy my time without feeling insanely guilty or anxious. waking up and wasting my time was how everyday eventually started to feel, since i had no real obligations to take up my time, and too depressed and embarrassed to try to pursue any creative hobbies or passions, because i didn’t “deserve” the luxury of free time. 

instead i filled the time by going to the gym, going to therapy, basic tasks like feeding myself, and truthfully trying not to convince myself to die every single night. 

sitting in my childhood bedroom, alone, empty, and seeing another thing i had felt like i had worked hard for, just grabbed out of my hands. i was upset, but blaming the universe for being so unfair felt childish and somehow even more humiliating. i felt like a failure in every sense of the word. because at least before, even in my darkest moments, i could at least console myself with the knowledge that i had work, and was able to provide for myself and friends/family. now even that autonomy had been taken from me, and all i could say for myself is “why yes, i was recently broken up with on my birthday and i am now unemployed. i have no idea what i want to do or next, if i’m qualified for even an entry level job, and i’m living alone in my parent’s house without them, which is surprisingly so much worse”  

the word lay, evokes the following to me:

resting, lounging, relaxing. 

and the word off can mean a few things: 

the opposite of on, or disengaged, or the word you use when you can’t quite articulate that something doesn’t feel right. 

but i couldn’t leisure. i didn’t feel like i deserved it. honestly, it didn’t feel like i deserved anything. or, i felt like i deserved everything that happened to me. a powerful duality that can usually only be found at your personal rock bottom.

and off felt like an understatement. it didn’t feel like there was a binary switch to go back to “on”. it felt like the switch was turned off, the cord cut in half, the breaker re-directing energy somewhere else. the darkness felt like it would last forever. 

this lay off is another thing i seemed to joke about or play off that in reality, deeply hurt me and frustrated me. i wish i had the ability to articulate this pain to the people i love, but it’s scary. and hard. 

but i’ve been trying to write more, because i reflected on why i even like to read. if reading this makes anyone feel just a little more normal, or less ashamed, or less afraid of something, then i think it’s worthwhile. thanks