la vie en rose

you chose fact!

i am so happy you did, because this gives me the opportunity to lowkey ramble and talk about the impact you’ve had on me as a person. i would not have survived college or thus far without you in my life and i am so grateful i ended up at THE texas a&m, because otherwise i wouldn’t have met you. 

love ya california girl :) 

dedicated to lauren rose soriano

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a simple complaint of hunger turns into the suggestion of walking over to mcdonalds

a song change request turns into a deep dive analysis of current niche music tastes

a small yawn turns into encouragement to take a “power nap” under a desk

and a vulnerable share of anxiety, sadness, or fear turned into a deep trauma exchange at 3am

these types of nights are the ones that i remember from college. i had so many of these, but the details and the attendees are now a blur, merging all of these late nights into one, cohesive period of my life. but of all the late nights i had, a few in particular stand out. 

december 2019

this was the night before the last round of finals at a&m, before we all went home for winter break. i had finished my last finals and was pretty bored, waiting for all of my friends to be available. i had gotten incredibly lucky that first semester of freshman year, having already completed the exams for  all of my classes that actually required brain power. the rest were simple online classes and take-home tests or assignments. while i was initially excited, i found that waiting around for everyone else to be done was painfully boring. i would loiter in their study rooms, trying my hardest to not distract them, but selfishly allowing myself to interact and chat more than they probably wanted to. 

among the few people that happened to be available and done with finals was you. we were already friends at that point, but i always felt like there was so much more i could talk to you about, or always more that i wanted to talk to you about. you were, and to this day still remain, one of the most interesting people i’ve met. not only do you have some of the coolest passions and interests, but your life experiences and perspective makes conversation with you so enjoyable. 

there were about ten of us that night, sitting in an empty classroom that we weren’t supposed to be in, half of our friends furiously typing at their laptops, marking up practice exams, or using the front chalkboard to work out complicated math or engineering problems, taking up half the board. meanwhile, you and i were rotating through a cycle of doom scrolling on our phones, playing draw something or temple run, online shopping, loudly munching on snacks, whispering to each other, and stifling giggles so we wouldn’t disturb our friends. 

“dude, the new sword and shield comes out tonight” i said, mindlessly, eyes glued to the instagram ad i had just received. 

“oh shit really? when’s the last time you played a pokemon game?” 

“honestly i can’t even remember. i don’t know if it’s the boredom, but i really wanna go buy it. but it’s also like… $60, and already almost midnight” 

without replying, you flipped your phone screen to face me, the GPS already set to the nearest 24 hour walmart. 

“bet”

we packed our stuff and headed to walmart, picking up our copies of the games, spending money i definitely didn’t have at the time. in the car ride back to your apartment, the streets were empty. i couldn’t help but notice the way the brakelights of the car in front of us painted you in a red glow, an aura that seemed so fitting in the darkness. we chatted about life in a way that didn’t feel like small talk or filler. although it went unspoken, i could sense that both of us were experiencing some of the exact same feelings. iffy on school, excited about dance, a unique combination of dread and love towards going home for the holidays. i was so anxious about going back, there was a lot happening in my personal life and my home life, but i somehow knew you understood without me needing to elaborate.

that night, we got back to your apartment and each started playing on our own switches. at first, we played in silence because we were eavesdropping on the group next to us, sympathizing with ashley because we mentally agreed that dylan should not have had other girls over at his apartment without inviting her, especially considering natalie was his best friend on snap….

but as the night went on and the sun came up, we sat in comfortable silence. with everything that was going on, i was so grateful for your presence as a friend. truly, in that moment, nothing could have made me happier or felt more supported than playing pokemon with you on the couch in your apartment’s lobby at 5am. 

march 2020

goodphil season came up fast, the months of january through february spent adjusting to spring semester classes and balancing a weekly rehearsal schedule, mentally preparing for goodphil. before the competition against the other thirteen schools, however, was one final boss: hell week. 

hell week rehearsals meant starting practice at 8:00pm in an empty room in the rec center and ending rehearsals at around 4:00am, dancing with thirty other people on the sixth floor of an outdoor parking garage. once again, we found ourselves awake at these odd hours in the night when the rest of our peers and classmates were getting a good night’s sleep. after rehearsal, instead of going home and trying to salvage what little sleep we could before our 8am classes, we would drive to HEB, pick up Arizona tea, muddy buddies, other forms of sugar or junk food, and drive back to the engineering building to hunker down in a room and “study”. 

in those study sessions, in the quiet hours that could either define us as responsible, early risers, or delinquents, we talked more and more. sometimes it was just about how the goodphil set was going, or how we felt during rehearsals. other times, we would retell stories from the past, the room getting loud from laughing and screaming. and once in a while, we would gently share heavier, more personal stories, the hum of the a/c overheard above our quieter voices. sometimes we got spontaneous bursts of energy, getting up to record tiktoks or learn new dances. and finally, yes, we did occasionally do what we went there to do, finishing up homework assignments and quizzes in between power naps on the carpet. 

i can’t remember what was said, how many hours we spent together, or what we did during that time. but what i do remember is always looking forward to the post-rehearsal debrief in your car. i know that we both really struggled during this time for various different reasons, sometimes casually revealed in conversation, sometimes elaborated upon heavily in conversations that lasted hours. but what i do remember is being inspired by you, just by being in your presence. in the late nights of homework assignments and studying, i saw how hard working and persistent you were, regardless of the difficulty. even though i knew how physically strong you were from all of your crazy hobbies (lifting, sports, dancing, etc), i also saw your mental fortitude. i saw how smart you were, and how you never gave up on yourself. i felt how authentic you were in every conversation, feeling how your empathy and non-judgemental attitude made the room feel comfortable opening up and sharing vulnerability with you. 

in particular, i remember being so stressed about my goodphil piece. it was my first time choreographing and creating something alone for a stage, and i was so afraid of failing. whenever i was insecure or worried, you always reassured me and supported me. watching you practice, drill the cleans, and help out other teammates always reminded me why i loved dancing and encouraged me to keep going. again, even though the details of these conversations and moments are lost on me, recalling these memories never fails to make me feel nostalgic and warm. 

may 2022

within two years, we continue to dance together, go to parties and events together, study at

various coffee or boba shops, and have fun together. but before i knew it, graduation season was upon us. 

one of my final college memories with you was a random weekday, where jon and i discovered we had nothing to wear to graduation, or to the expensive graduation photoshoot we had scheduled upcoming in a few days. we decided tocut class and  make the hour-long drive to houston to go to the mall.

as we walked through the fluorescent hallways of the mall, one of the wheeled kiosks caught our attention: fake designer sunglasses with a ‘BUY TWO GET ONE FREE” deal going on. we obviously began to try them on, laughing at each other in various different shades and styles of shades, most of them too dated or bizarre to be taken seriously. i picked up a pair of clear “dior” sunglasses and put them on, turning to the both of you with an exaggerated twist of my neck, peering up at the both of you from over the rim. 

“thoughts?” i asked the group, clearly kidding. 

“wait josh those actually look really good” you both said seriously. 

before i knew it, jon had also found a pair that unironically, looked really good on him and suited his style. we looked at the price tags and debated, at that point in our lives, even knock off designer sunglasses were considered a luxury to our meek student bank accounts. 

“do you guys like them?” you asked us. 

“yeah, but we’re still deciding. i mean, i don’t really need them, technic-”

and before either of us could finish our hesitations, you had grabbed them out of our hands, already turned to the lady sitting in a chair at the front of the kiosk, who had clearly been waiting for us to either buy something or leave.

“bro what are you doing?” we asked, trying to grab the glasses back. 

“stop, consider it a ‘i-don’t-know-when-the-next-time-i’ll-see-you-after-graduation’ present,” you said casually to us, looking up to see both of our mouths open in shocked frowns. 

“why would you say that -- don’t say that, of course we’ll see you.”

“and dude it’s fine, we don’t actually want the glasses.” 

“ma’am, it’s buy two get one free if you’d like to add on one more pair.” said the lady in monotone, pointing to the paper sign hanging on the kiosk. 

“see? i wanted, uh, these ones, and so you guys are really doing me favor by getting these, since that means i get them for free.” you said hurriedly, scanning the cart and picking up a random pair. you finished checking out and handed us our glasses, all three of us placing them on our eyes, yours somehow looking perfectly natural and great on you, even though you had barely looked. 

“dude we look kinda cool”

june 2024

since then, our in person meet ups have been less and less frequent --  catching you and kat at head in the clouds, or us in christina’s kitchen over the holidays when everyone was back in plano. but even then, it makes me so happy every time i see you thrive in your career, friendships, relationships, and hobbies. seriously though, how many people do i know that are boxing, gaming, guitar-playing, motorcycle-riding, and snowboarding gods???  no matter how long we go in between conversations or texts in big ole yiddies, i know that the second we begin talking, we’re somehow transported back into one of those study rooms. 

i do still have these shades, though, and everytime i wear them, i think of you. wearing them makes me feel confident and cool, but also helps me see life from a different perspective -- the tint makes all of the harsh contrasts of life less grating, and allows me to examine things in a new light. 

in the least cheesy way possible, it’s also how i remember you. even though there was constant chaos, stress, and insanity going on all around us during college, i always remember the memories we share so fondly -- they’re some of my most valued moments from that period of time. your presence and friendship made the world less scary and more beautiful, and i know your energy has that effect on literally everyone you meet. it’s a privilege to experience life with you. while i miss seeing you in person, your energy is always carried in my heart, even when we’re far apart. 

maybe it’s because i saw us both at our roughest points, but i’m always so excited to watch you live your life, because you are deserving of nothing more than the best. you’ve earned everything you’ve worked for and i am always so proud to know you and to be your friend.  i hope california has been treating you well because you deserve it, love ya and can’t wait to see you again soon. thanks for keeping me sane in college <3