isama mo ako

you chose fact!

while i started writing this, i was overwhelmed with what i could write about. you’ve done so much for me and we’ve experienced so much together, i wondered if there was even a single fragment of time or memory i could share that would capture you, exactly how i see you. 

how lucky am i to know you and be known by you. 

love you :)

dedicated to allen liu

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i grew up believing in prince charming, enemies to lover arcs, and charming male protagonists who only existed within the bounds of a book, clearly written by women. 

i grew up, with constant reinforcement that love is not without pain, it is often granted conditionally. my parents often freely and graciously extended their love to me, but the roses of their devotion came with the thorns of their overprotective nature, often hurting me “for my own good”. i was taught to be tough, and to be tough was to build an impenetrable layer around myself to prevent any pain - or sometimes joy-  from seeping in.

later in life, this love was echoed throughout all the other relationships in my life, where i allowed so many voices to inform me about myself and who i was, or what i should and should not be doing. i was continuously rewarded for listening to others rather than myself, later leading to a feeling of being stranger to my own wants and feelings. 

i met you at the most tumultuous time in my life. practically every single pillar of security and safety i had built up over the last few years had crumbled away within a matter of moments. everything that i had fought for, everything i believed in, and everything i thought i knew was suddenly being questioned. for the first time in my life all the corrections, opinions, judgment, wisdom, guidance, and advice from every voice but my own was silenced.

although this sounds peaceful, still waters brought so much anxiety -- it’s hard to see what’s under the surface when you’re constantly moving. i was now not only forced to steer myself back to safety, but also forced to confront so many aspects of my past that had long gone undetected. 

i completely floundered, feeling like i was treading water every day just to keep my head above the water, with no safety in sight. i looked and looked for ways to save myself but only exhausted myself further. 

when i met you, i had truthfully already given up on myself. it felt like it was only a matter of time before i gave out. i gave you so many reasons to walk away and let me drown, worried i was going to take you down with me.

but instead, in all of my sadness and pain, you somehow managed to see the good in me. you didn’t let me drown, but you also didn’t pull me to shore yourself. instead, you tread the water with me. you waited for me. your kindness and patience and light helped me slowly trust that the storms would pass. your encouragement and faith helped me believe that i was capable of maintaining control on my own and finding my way through. 

lighthouses help safely guide ships through danger and give them light in an otherwise dark place. thank you for being my lighthouse. 

when people ask me why i love you, i find myself speechless. it’s hard to narrow it down to just a few when you’ve given me so many qualities to choose from. 

i love your heart and how good you are. despite my pessimistic outlook, i know pure and genuine goodness exists in the world because you exist in this world. you extend so much grace and intentional consideration to the people in your life and i love the way you are your own lighthouse - so steady in what you believe in, your morals and principles always guiding you. 

i often think we confuse our intentions for love and romance with what we see in the movies. generally, we’ve pushed the idea that we all need huge romantic gestures to quantify or qualify our love. but the only thing i ask of you is that you continue to be yourself. 

• the kind of person who buys me flowers “just because” 

• the kind of person who remembered my favorite drink order and ordered it for me on a bad day. 

• the kind of person who so makes me a cup of coffee every morning

• the kind of person who will always make time for his friends and loved ones. 

• the kind of person who venmo’d me money for a pashmino at a rave when i was cold, because i didn’t dress accordingly. 

• the kind of person who called me on all of my three hour drives and never got tired of hearing me ramble. 

• the kind of person who threw an ice cream party for me and watched a million disney movies with me to cheer me up when i was depressed about getting laid off. 

• the kind of person who asks questions when i tell stories.

• the kind of person that is dedicated, hardworking, and disciplined when it comes to doing what they want and getting what they want out of the world. 

• the kind of person that will always make me smile big and laugh even harder.

• the kind of person that has high standards for himself and his company, yet beautifully balances them with gentleness and empathy. 

• the kind of person that is both frustratingly intelligent and creative (not fair, you're supposed to pick one)

• the kind of person that can only be described as the unique combination of qualities that make you, you. 

the kind of person that takes me with them. even when i’m physically not around, you take me with you in your heart and mind, and the knowledge of that alone is enough to make me feel so special and loved. i love the person i am when i’m with you and how inspired i am to grow and be better. i know we’ll both change as time goes on and as we continue to grow on this journey together, but i hope you continue to take me with you. 

i’ve always been easily excited by the escapism, fictional nature of most creative works. as someone who spends her days with her head in the clouds, often daydreaming about nothing and everything, i was half hoping that you would pick fiction. but now, i appreciate that the reality of the life i get to experience with you is even better than anything fictional, and i couldn’t picture it any other way.