running rambling no. 1: onvalidating

 no i didn’t mean invalidating

on the idea of validating, i’m realizing through therapy that i am so much more of a control freak than i realized. it’s not so much that i enjoy holding everything so tightly, but rather that in the past, i had failed to notice my grasp weakening, until everything had spiraled far beyond my reach. 

i spend an exhausting amount of time running in my head, but not any type of productive running. i run through the past to try to find where things went wrong, what i could’ve done differently to carry me to different outcomes. i run as far as i can into the future, not towards my own dreams or ambitions, but to count each individual crack in the sidewalk to warn my future self. i run through different scenarios — if i fall, how bad will it hurt? will it sting? will it be a minor scrape, or will i break a bone? how long will i be down for? who will be around to help me, if anyone? 

and when that day comes, any emotion that wasn’t pre-screened is not allowed. i only let in the pain that has RSVPd, and only as much as i previously calculated and accepted. i have to turn every other emotion at the door, only allowing what i know or think i know.

i’ve lived this way as a coping mechanism, inside my own head behind a built - up wall of protection. it’s the false sense of security that even if the rug is pulled out from me, i’ll be ready, rolling through the pain instead of flailing. i’ve always assumed that this was the only effective damage mitigation. 

but i’m getting older, and i’m realizing that 

with all of the pain or perceived sadness i’ve rejected, there’s been so much else i’ve blocked out. if my emotions are neither positive or negative, good or evil, but just data based on cause and effect, then i’ve blocked so much wisdom and learning from each of my wounds. i’ll continue to fall over and over again.

and maybe yes, i’ll have the perfect amount of bandaids on hand, or i’ll know exactly that the pain will be a 7, but i’ll never decide to maybe run a different route, or learn to double knot my laces. that pivotal information and knowledge is lost to me by never allowing my emotions to do what they’re supposed to do. 

they can be let in, welcomed even. i’ll put a kettle on and they can hang up their coats, and we can sit at a table and talk. exchanging stories about how and why things happen. i can relax and learn in this safe space. i can break down my own unnecessary wall of protection against these things that come to me from such a loving, nurturing place. 

i need to learn to validate all the aspects of myself, otherwise, i’ll never grow into a person i can know, let alone love.